2018- C’est la vie.
This year I grew up. I bought a house, faced a possible divorce, and birthed a dream. This year I dug into my past, learned a lot of science and denounced the Christian god. I made a lot of new friends, had a lot of great conversations and I was added to more peoples blocked list this year than I have in a long time.
Some of my dreams died this year, things I had hoped for since childhood. I had to let some really important things go, and important people. I opened up to more people than I should have and talked about all the wrong topics to all the wrong people. But more times than not all those “wrong” conversations were just the thing i need to help me understand another piece of my current life puzzle I’m working on.
I confronted real issues this year, like the sexual assault in my past and how terrible of a wife I was becoming in the present and how much I really don’t know about the future. I dragged myself out of my bed of depression more times than I even want to admit but I didn’t stay down. Nothing kept me down this year. Not money, not my mind, and definitely not other people’s opinions. I believed in myself this year and I achieved. I celebrate myself for that.
I have begun creating my own philosophy on life, so I have a landing board with which to make decisions from (because that’s something necessary for me seeing as I have no god now) I read, I learned, I listened. I thought…. and thought… and thought… about really hard things (like what consciousness could even mean, whether or not there is such a thing as good and evil, and how to bring purpose to my meaningless life) I spent a lot of time alone, but the times I spent with people were filled with so much joy, laughter, and weightlessness.
This year has been a journey towards finding my authentic self. I started this journey a long time ago. I let religion tell me who I was, then I let society and politics tell me who I was, but I finally told myself “nothing matters except what you think matters” so I turned off the news, denounced the god of my father, stopped giving myself labels, and told the world “I’m human. That’s it. All other descriptors by the English language are unnecessary”
I learned more about what motivates me. I learned how crucially arousing conversation is to me, I learned how 5:45am is my secret time to wake up and write and mediate on my day. I learned the perfect stretch to reach the middle of my back. I learned how I love to wear the color green and I figured out a new way to do my makeup different than I have my whole life. I learned how to accept myself when I’m rejected. I learned that if everyone walks away from me, I won’t die. I learned that being alone is important, being able to stand alone is critical, and any person near you is not to lean upon but to encourage you to stand up stronger and straighter than before.
I have no intentions for this next year, because I stopped planning my life and let the waves of chaos take me where they intend to. I have given up control of my destiny and I’m along for the ride. Good bad or indifferent, I’m here for it. I’m showing up, living my truth and I’ll you the story later. I confronted a lot of fear this year, and learned more about the root of that motivation for me. There’s still a lot of fear of overcome though.
I want to make a list of goals, but I’m not great at meeting expectations and I don’t like setting myself up for failure. If I say I’m going to do something it’s cause I want to be sure I’ll do it. But regardless, I’ll make it anyway, even if I “fail” this year.
In 2019 I will…
… complete the first draft of my novel.
… improve my flexibility even more with yoga
… run more with Maggie, my dog.
… expand my garden
… read read read
… regularly post blogs about philosophy, parenting, food, and my life
But these are things I’m already doing on a daily basis, my intentions I have that expand me from my comfort zone…
… finally write my personal story and post it
… volunteer (I have some places in mind)
… meet more new people in new situations
… be confident in myself even when I’m unliked
… complete some of my incomplete short stories
What I want to overcome…
… fear of everything
… be able to bridle my obsessive personality
… doubting myself
… my defensive, judgmental nature
And I wanna stop there because therapy taught me I like to set the bar way too high for myself and I think more would overwhelm me. Shoot straight and high! Regardless I’ll see what happens this year. I have let the reigns go and I’m following this wild horse wherever she leads. It’s much more exciting this way.
The one thing I can say is I hope this year is full of love. I hope I spend more time kissing laughing holding and helping then I do crying contemplating and stressing.
Should 2019 be another wild ride, I’m prepared for it. But if it wants to be a slow and unexciting year, I’ve got a library I need to catch up on so that’s cool with me too.