I take every day like a test from the universe. Class is in session. I open my eyes and ask, what is there for me to learn today. I view the world through soft eyes and a dream like filter. I remember everything around me is everything I ever hoped for. I look into myself and I know I am me, and I will always be me. I will always have this chaotic brain that I love so much. I will always spin into myself, I will swirl in the glitter of my charisma, I will bathe in the pools of my own love. I will lay out in the fields of my dreams and I will let the warm rays of hope cradle me into a summer sleep. This is the time of my life that I have dreamed about. The outpour of the art. I have known my time is coming and I know there is magic in here.
I know that each day I can be happy because I choose to be. I choose to forget the anxieties that will inevitably work out, I choose to put down the worries of tomorrow and pick up my books and read today, I rest in the peace of my home and I hold tightly to the safe place I have created here. Sure there is reality to face, but I know when I need to I will. I trust my journey. I am open to all challenges. What a frightening statement.
For the next couple years of my life, hardships are inevitable. There is a dream in my heart that I see in my sleep and I always try to remember the things I have seen. I imagine myself now standing on the mountain knowing there is something coming, something harder and more challenging. But I’m resting here until I’m ready to fight through myself. Taking in that long deep breath, getting ready to scream. I’m about ready to let it all go.
Terrance McKenna says, create all the art you can and put it out into the world. With more art comes more understanding. Art comes from the spirit, and without its awakening, an artist feels lost and hopeless. Unworthy. Lazy yet inferior, like her dreams are impossible. There is a call but no voice. She will have a million good ideas but nothing will be worth committing her life to. Then her spirit will wake up. It will be a painful gasp. Vantage points will shift. Suddenly, there is urgency, necessity, she will become a slave to this, creating the masterpiece in her heart. She will know her purpose because she decided to know herself first. She will look deep into her spirit and ask, what is your voice, how do you speak. If you are quiet enough, you’ll hear her and you will know what you are meant to do. McKenna says, the meaning of life is to figure out the meaning of your life. This is what I want to know.
The universe has taken me on a journey to find balance, the one vital thing I am missing from my life. I have had to learn how to not tip too far to one side, to maintain a center position on all things. Sometimes that feels like I’m not emotionally involved, but that also feels like the right thing to do. All my emotions are observed now, I have stepped from behind my own eyes and I watch myself now. I take into account the thoughts that fill my head when approached with a triggering scenario. I ask myself if I am justified in these things, and if I am I say what I feel directly. Calmly. Communicating exactly what I intend to say. Who is this person, slow enough to think and brave enough to respond. Can I be her always?
I feel purposeful now. I know exactly what to do in every situation. No more aimless wandering, no more wondering and searching. I know who I am and what I am supposed to do. I know what I’m supposed to talk about, I know what doors I must open. I have direction. I have a job. All other things seem less important. I feel I am meant to grow this home. I am meant to paint my creativity onto the walls, I fold hope into all our clothing, I present this place every day as a place of peace and inspiration. I know what my money is meant for. I know I must hold onto to every penny I can so I can better grow this place. I am meant to build a garden of inspiration. I am meant to fill this home with love and stillness. I know what my future will be, I see it.
In creating this life, I will also work out my art. They go together. Creativity is birthed in this home and with this life I live everyday. So I stay here in the present, waiting for the lesson, listening, still, knowing the universe will guide me exactly where I must go.
Suddenly, my world sings to me. Everything has a message and a meaning and everything applies to my struggle. Movies, music, stories, podcasts, they all have messages that soothe the deeper parts of my wounded soul. I listen so I can know. I listen for the right words, the right ideas and I collect them like treasure. I write down everything and fear loosing a tiny drop of inspiration. This used to drive me mad, but I have this suspicion that we relive every moment at least once in our life. Like times when we randomly remember brushing our teeth in a certain new place, or when you were a child and picked up something interesting. Every moment in life is relived at least once in our imagination. Its up to the individual to be aware of those memories. Not everyone is conscious of their stream of thought. But if I am present in my life, every memory that floats into my head can be experienced again. And each time I am able to uncover something I didn’t realize at the time I am experiencing it. That is why I find it difficult to write about the present. Most of life is meant to be lived first. The future will give me a chance to recapture it.
I intend to capture more of these thought streams. They take weeks and 45 revisions for me to finally write, but I think I’m onto something. Thanks for reading. You have no idea what it means to me.