HAPPY FEBRUARY and happy new moon, my friends. This New Moon has already blasted me with tons of inspiration, which is exciting for me and simultaneously completely intimidating. I have the good ideas, but do I have the will and focus and determination to bring those ideas to reality? Somehow this New Moon seems to have inspired me to try a little harder to focus on the things I am trying to achieve.
For three long months, I have been painfully distracted. My headed has been clouded with so many issues that my work as nearly halted. I’m writing but I cannot remember the last time I found myself in a flow-state and I have been desperately searching for that river again. I have always viewed creativity like a well. You can always come to it when you need it, but if you use it too much without seasons of rest, it’ll run dry. My greatest cure to writers block is to quit writing for a while and do something else. Paint, craft, decorate, organize. Something other than writing. Any time I’m using my hands my mind is flooded with creativity, so that’s what I have been doing. Imagine though, my well has been so overgrown with vines that I have to hack through layers of foliage before I can even drop my bucket. It’s been three months but I finally feel like I have been able to clear all these obsessive distractions from my mind and a full well is waiting underneath. I cannot wait until I can find some time to really focus.
In these last three months not all has been lost however. It’s not as though I haven’t been collecting ideas and working on the story design of my novel. Writing a book is hard, especially one that exists in a sci-fi fantasy reality like I am attempting to do. Story design is so critical when you are creating another world. I have written so much and yet, nothing at the same time. I have 6 pages of story design that have taken me nearly a year to write. That’s ok though. I’m not worried about it because if there is one thing I understand about being an artist, it’s how to get to flow and I have been working hard on finding that perfect alignment. Have you ever heard an author say “Oh, that book just wrote itself!” That’s flow-state. Getting there however is a tedious process, I’m sure any artist can understand. My mind and my creativity is a powerhouse but it takes weeks of impeccable self-care to get there. I’m sensitive and complicated. Creating for me is so vitally necessary that when I get lazy and don’t take care of myself, making it impossible to create anything satisfactory to my soul, I will get physically sick and mentally unstable until I fix it. It’s as if my whole health is hinged upon my writing and my writing is wholly rested upon my self care rituals. I’ve been distracted from myself for too long.
Because of my three months of distraction, my alone time has become a scary place for me. It’s almost as if I loose touch with myself so that when I am alone it’s like being there with a complete stranger. How uncomfortable. This is a problem for me because I’m alone, a lot! My husband works Full-Time (plus overtime) and is a stand up comedian so most nights he’s not home until later than 11 p.m. I am home during the week with my four year old and I am responsible for getting my daughter to and from school. I work on the weekends as a hairstylist and manage my clients throughout the week as well. Because most days I’m parenting completely alone, I normally end my nights completely drained, unless I’m on top of all my ‘personal chores’ I’ll call them. Eating, Sleeping, Hygiene, Reading, personal writing (or journaling), Yoga, Meditation, Resting/Naps, daily. These are the things I need. And you might wonder why I would need these things just to be able to write a book and let alone need these things just to be a good mom. Well, I already told you, I’m sensitive and complicated. Three years ago, I worked myself into a mental breakdown. I did the life I was supposed to do, kids to preschool, work eight hours, build a clientele out side of my time at work, clean, cook, stay on top of responsibilities, stay inspired, please everyone in my life. I nearly drove myself off the freeway, seriously. I am not made for the hustling life. I am made for slow, purposeful, inspired action every day. I am made for slow mornings, comfy sweatpants, long unplugged walks at my leisure, naps. I’m made for naps, ok. I love them. And taking naps whenever I have the opportunity is something someone like me needs.
So this month I intend to focus not that. Being slow, purposeful, and inspired. This blog is inspired. I flow the phases of the moon, and try to better myself around what ever wave of inspiration that moon is supposed to bring me.
I have felt attune to certain things in my life. Vibes I cannot handle. Energies attempting to drain me. And I’m focused now on directing all my personal energy and emotions towards my writing and my health and my love. This month feels like the perfect month to write about one of my favorite subjects, love. I’m inspired to tell you about the stories of all the times I have felt real love. The first time I fell in love, falling in love with my mental illness, giving birth to love, and finding real self love. I cannot wait to share all of this with you. I’m telling you, the moon has brought me a lot of material!
All of this requires me to embrace the loneliness in my life right now. After this last storm my husband and I survived together, our love for each other has blossomed into something incredible, new, and unexpected. However, both of us being victims of abuse, have this annoying problem of being unable to receive love from each other. I wish you could see us trying to convince the other we actually do really love them.
“I love you, for real!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! totally sure.”
“Well, I love you, for real!”
“How do you know?
And it goes around. This month feels like the callouses we have both built up to protect ourselves from the abrasive demons in our past, are softening and peeling away to reveal fresh raw skin. A new love with passion and tenderness and gentleness. I melt around him, something I have never felt before. So this void that’s takes his place when he leaves has become consuming. I face the reality of my loneliness every day and it’s not easy. I would much rather be distracted by his lips than facing the overwhelming task of healing myself. This is not what I will be getting though, so it’s time to be patient and still.
As the universe would have it, we both have work to do. He’s working on his comedy and I’m working on my writing, and this season of life requires us to conquer separately and come together at night in our bed to enjoy each others riches and victories. I should embrace this. My ‘id’ just wants the cuddles and Netflix-binges though.
My hope is that with this new found inspiration, I will use my lonely times appropriately. I know I have a purpose. The universe has echoed it back to me so clearly. I know that I have a world in my head I must capture and tell you about. I must do this. I have no other option anymore. So I intend to stay aligned this month so that I can finally make myself proud.
Have a good month, friends.
Get inspired, stay creative.
Embrace the Void.