I’m a supernaturally creative person. I’m never short of good ideas. I’m used to being acknowledged for my creative ideas. I’m used to being wanted for my insights. I’m used to being looked up to on what to do. I’m used to being taken from and rarely given. I’ve supported a lot of people. I’ve fed most of my enemies. I have become weak in front of people who could care less if I lived or died.
So what happens then when giving all of yourself no longer brings the company you desire. What if reaching out was only futile and texts never returned answered. WHAT IF NO ONE CARED? How would you keep moving forward?
I have been doing this mental exercise to help me become more emotionally independent. I pretend no one exists. I might close the door to my room and pretend absolutely nothing is on the other side of my walls. What would I do if no one cared? What would I do if I was completely alone with all the power to my own happiness? I’d paint my nails regularly, and read books quicker, and keep my house clean. I’d listen to music and learn to play my favorite songs. I’d draw, I’d paint, I’d take walks and plant flowers.
And no one would know. They would only know if they came here and visited me.
That’s where social media tricks us into thinking we need to keep everyone updated on our lives. But how surprised would they be if we were able to tell them all that’s happening while we were away. What if my life were actually a mystery? Would they care then? Maybe I’d feel less sad if I stopped seeing such fake happy faces? I’m apart of some groups on Facebook for mental illness. I find it curious how often people post about how miserable and lonely they are and when I click through to their profile, I’d never be able to tell. It’s all posed happy faces, filters and dog ears, and facetune. No one knows how miserable we all are cause no one cares to talk about it. Even further, no one wants to listen to it either. So we are all stuck in this cycle of silent suffering.
I ask myself if anyone will come to visit me when I’m gone from the virtual world. Would anyone ask where I went? Would anyone text me to be sure I’m ok? Truthfully, it doesnt matter, or at least it can’t because what if no one cared? Would I keep going? Would I keep living a happy life if I never showed anyone?
I don’t want to sound like I’m waving a “No one cares about me” flag, because that’s not what I’m saying. I have wonderful supportive relationships of people who do really love me and I know it and feel it. They come and visit me, they are here in my home, in front of my face with hands I can touch and laughter I can hear and hungry bellies I can fill. I’ve just decided that’s enough for now. I don’t need to pretend anyone else likes me because they “like” my posts. That’s not real. As soon as I stopped posting, I stopped believing they care and that is what I’m getting at. It hurt for a second but only because I knew this was always the truth. Those people I cared about in the virtual world, they like EVERYTHING (even the people they talk shit about) and I’m not just some common person. I’m special and unique and the people who are close to me know that as well. By stepping away I’m leaving the vibration of narcisstic-attention-seekers and superficial-post-likers. I don’t need to be “liked” anymore.
I’m gonna be ok out here. All on my own. I’m still doing shit, creating shit, writing shit, feeling like the shit. So I’m good. I’m happy. Thanks for caring.