My intention this moon is manifest Love and Inspiration.
I don’t need much, I have a lot of good things in my life. But the things I do need cannot be bought. Typically they are the things I must wait patiently to drift into my life. These weeks I realize I am desperately thirsty for love and severely itching for a good dose of inspiration. As a new writer, it’s been difficult to force myself to sit down every day and write something because some days I am even tired of writing about myself. I think having so many writing projects helps me stay inspired, yet, some how I come to these dry areas and must sit and wait for the water to flood the grounds again.
One thing I am beginning to realize though, is I can be prepared to receive love and inspiration. In fact, by keeping my heart open and free of contempt, unhealthy anxiety, the need to control and by setting aside moments every day to be still and wait for the muse, love and inspiration seem to flood my life.
So much so, that I have found myself now becoming afraid of being as happy as I have been. My mind says there’s no way I can be this happy and not fall off the cliff. I’m bipolar, I know how this works. Every high time has been met with a low time of equal depth. Over this past month, I have been ruining all these really amazing moments because I am terrified of how far I might fall.
There’s something I was failing to recognize though. Previously, before this year of my life, I have been a completely unbalanced person. I had a very limited concept of responsibility. I was not prepared for the adult life I jumped into so quickly. However, since moving into our house in Feb 2018, I have really stepped it up. I stopped being lazy and keep my house clean every day. I eat well, I work out, I stay creative, I cook, I prepare and organize everything I can. I’m growing up and finally feel like an adult!
So I think I’m in a much better position to stay balanced when I let myself be fully happy. I fear that I will spend all my money, eat until I explode, and begin sabotaging my art work by becoming distracted with helping people who are unimportant to my life (eating up all that free time I need to be inspired and read and write). This is what has been my pattern of happiness so far. The difference in me now is I am unwilling to fail again in the same way.
I have felt myself slipping a bit recently because I have been so afraid. It’s funny how fearing something (no matter what it is, because in my case I’m fearing happiness) actually causes it to manifest in our life exactly the way we imagine it. I feel my mood improving, and I am desperately holding myself down on the ground, fearing an emotional binge (which I have already been doing) fearing letting go of my routine (which I have been forgetting about) fear of unnecessary spending (actually, I have been able to curb this with $20 spending sprees at goodwill and the dollar store). All this fear manifests my worst fears.
So my intention now is to let go of fear so I can love! If my mind wants to send me on another manic high, so be it. They are always fun, even if I do end up destroying half my life. I won’t this time, hopefully. I will create this time and not destroy.
I guess that’s been my problem. Until this point I have been so used to creating in the low times, and when I am in my high times I hate everything I have tried to create because of the heart it came out of (sad, negative, victim heart). So I destroy everything and start again. Cause I knew it was wrong. Now I’m entering into a high time and I can create from a happier, light hearted, loving place. That seems as if I might actually like what I write finally! Haha, yes!
I heard this morning that this is how manifesting works. You set your intention and focus all your attention on your intentions and that’s how they come to be. I never thought about it this way, but that’s what I am trying during this moon. For now, everything is about love and inspiration. All my attention is on that.
The low side of this New Moon will be a deep seed of fear and competition, so if you feel yourself beginning to feel like you need to win, you need to be the best, you need to be on top. You’re entering into the low vibration of this energy. Check in with your energy and see how much fear is taking up residence in your heart, clear out that energy with some meditation or quiet time or abstaining from an addiction. Controlling the desire instead of desiring to control. Being present today will remind you that you are exactly where you need to be and there is nothing more you need to do but follow the path you are on. No need to stress or worry that your life will become that dream in your head. If you are headed towards that goal, you will get there and if you surrender to the journey and the lessons of every day you will show up prepared with everything you need to succeed.
I leave you with this quote from the poem “Here Am I” by Anis Mojgani (my favorite poet of all time)
“And the answer comes:
and I still have time to be”