My mom has been wanting to make plans for the summer and I just can’t bring myself to decide on anything. Mostly because I like the thought of having no where to go and nothing to do. Suddenly, the world is full of opportunity. People with no where to go take leisurely walks, and read books, and cook breakfast. All my favorite things. People with no where to go plant gardens and dig holes and sweep. People with no where to go drink tea and smell flowers and pet cats. People with no where to go clean up after themselves and organize everything. People with no where to go take their time and do only what inspires them. People with no where to go sit and listen and understand. People with no where to go, finish things.
This is what I want out of my life. No where to go, nothing to do. That way I can do everything I want to do. This summer I want to plant an herb garden, I want to take many morning walks with my kids. I want to cook with them and clean with them. I want to get wet. I want to read and watch movies and eat ice cream for lunch (maybe once). I want to paint rocks and make bird houses and dream about the beautiful garden we hope to grow one day. I want a lake vacay and a beach vacay too. I want to make shadow puppets and fall asleep tellings stories.
I want to be free to be together, without an obligation forcing us apart. I only want fun, laughing, and freedom. I don’t want posed, or planned, or staged, or paid for. Give me free, and easy, and willing, and remembered.
My son starts Kindergarten in the fall, and my daughter starts first grade. My life changes come end of August and I want to enjoy these last couple months of life the way it is. I want to be here, wholly, committed to the moment. I want my eyes open, drinking in the summer, so I will never forget what it was like to learn to be a present mother. How hard I worked to focus my attention on my family. That is all I have time for. Being a totally awesome-committed-healthy-loving-inspirational-patient-giving mom. Not for anyone other than my kids. I just want to be what they need, what I think the world wants of me. I want to be tailor fitted to suit their needs, not draw attention on instagram. I want be their safe place and that’s it.