A Thing About Mental Illness.

The thing about mentally ill people.

Do not ask me

“How are you doing today?”

Because the truth is I probably don’t know.

I have no concept of good and bad

Healthy and unhealthy.

I only just feel.

A better question for someone like me is,

“Does the world make sense today”

Because then I would tell you no

No, the world does not make sense today.

I love more people than I am supposed to.

I care too deeply about situations that do not matter

Doing the thing I thought was right

Got me a bad result.

Doing the thing I thought was wrong

ended up being a missed opportunity.

I cannot trust my feelings

Yet, they are the loudest voice in my mind.

I cannot move forward

because my mind is obsessing over my latest mistake.

In fact the only steps I make are mistakes.

the only movement in my life is failing forward.

I keep going down the wrong path and finding dead ends.

I keep trusting my gut and hurting people I love.

maybe I’m manic

maybe I’m high on my own smell

Maybe I’m super charged by my own power

Maybe I can’t sleep because I AM energy.

To you, I’d be unstable

To me, I’m right as rain.

I am all powerful – all knowing – all seeing.

But maybe I’m depressed.

And I’m stuck in my bed

And I’m weighed down by existence

And I can hardly give myself enough food to eat.

Maybe i don’t feel like feeling ok

and yet nothing around me is truly wrong. 

I wouldn’t tell you I’m ok, but I am.

But my manic self thinks the world makes perfect sense.

I can explain any action

Any conspiracy

And anomaly, I already know what happened

If you talked to me you’d know I’m not here today.

I did not swallow the bitter pill of reality

or my medications.

And to my depressed self

the world is pure absurdity.

Existence is meaningless and pain is inevitably forced upon us.

Even if we avoid it.

In fact the pain gets worse if we avoid.

That does not make sense.

If you talked to me, You’d know I’m not ok today.

So please don’t ask me

and don’t ask people like me

“How are you doing today?”

Ask me if the world makes sense

and listen for my response.

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