Today’s blog is brought to you by another one of my weird cryptic dreams. I don’t always dream, but when I do… normally it means something to me. I don’t dream of flying or being in alien space ships like I did when I was a kid. I dream about deep stuff that’s effecting me on a emotional level.
Last night I could only remember a vague detail of what I dreamed. Selena Gomez was criticizing me for some reason and where normally I would cower and think she was right about what someone might be critical of me, I just looked back at her and said “Fuck You, Selena Gomez.” Which felt good. I don’t do that to people normally. I tend to take everything to heart. I tend to think everyone around me sees me for who I really am, and I am some how deceived by my inflated ego. But I don’t think that’s the truth anymore, I think I am just myself. I am arrogant but I’m also intelligent and well read. I am dramatic, but I’m also passionate and believe in myself (sometimes…) I’m confident and insecure at the same time. I am just a human. I am learning who I am and what about me is true. So, who cares how people perceive me, I’m only trying my best to present myself true to whoever I am at the moment. The only problem is that I am always changing and different in every situation. Embracing and accepting this about myself, that I am neither good nor bad just perfectly neutral and swaying from one side to the other, is the reason I could tell Selena Gomez to fuck off with her criticisms. To realize I have been a good person in some situations, and a terrible person in others, to realize I am passive when action was needed and took too much control when I should have let things be. That sounds like a perfectly normal human to me.
But for some reason I knew this dream went deeper than just Selena Gomez being a jerk. I just couldn’t remember.
Yesterday, was the Partial Lunar Eclipse and Full Moon. I don’t know if you caught the moon last night but it was GLORIOUS. So bright, so full. I felt inspired for good things coming even though nothing feels that way right now. I want to play with and read some tarot cards for myself and my best friend and my husband in the wake of this energy I was feeling. That last spread I did, an interesting message came up…
“You know the truth of how you experienced what you went through. All you have is your understanding of what happened, how that hurt you, and how that effects you today. That is the truth.”
That’s when I remembered the rest of my dream.
I wasn’t being criticized by Selena Gomez, I was being criticized by my step mom. She was upset because I was telling a room of people with her in it what had happened to me as a kid. She got upset because she’s responsible for a lot of the emotional wounds I do have that effect the person I am today. A lot of the bad things I think about myself and others are tape recordings of how she spoke to me as a kid. She might not see it that way. She might not have even been aware of how emotionally abusive she was as a parent, but that’s not all there is too it. I kept thinking I needed to forgive her and come back to peace love and acceptance of her. But that was proving to me too difficult. Because the truth is, I’m mad. And right below the surface of anger is sadness. I was very sad for most of my life and that had to do with the fact that I was being treated poorly. Like a plant, growing without proper sun and water. That plant might grow, but not well. It wont be strong or vibrant or look happy. I wasn’t given proper emotional care and it matters to me to explain that to people. My motivation simply being I wish parents were nicer to their kids. I wish parents were more aware of themselves so they stopped using their kids as their punching bags. I wish parents offered more love and acceptance than judgment and criticisms. And this goes for my parents as well as most people I interact with.
I think a lot of people my age were raised in the dark. Treated a certain way that we were expected to just accept and grow from. There’s those of us now though who are coming to the light and saying, “No. I don’t accept the way you treated me. I won’t accept that you were unaware of yourself. I expect to be treated better and I won’t accept less than I know I deserve.”
Maybe I haven’f fully come to that acceptance until right now though. I think it’s ok for me to say, I was treated poorly by my step mother, I think it’s alright for me to talk about it. Not to slander her, or expose her like I wanted to because of how angry I was, but to tape into the deeper emotion of grief and sadness and hope that I can open more people’s eyes to just how damaging and covert emotional abuse is. It happens everywhere. In homes, in churches, in work places, in friendships. We emotionally abuse each other and I think it’s ok to begin talking about that. We all benefit from honesty. We all deserve the chance to change ourselves if we acted harmfully towards others and we all deserve the chance to tell our stories, even if the culprit isn’t listening. Even if our abusers refuse to hear what really happened. Even when they deny. I’m allowed to understand what happened to me based on how I experienced it. I understand with all the facts given to me. So that means, I do know the truth. I do know the truth of the situation based on what happened, how I felt about it, and who that made me.
I have been working on writing my personal story for 8 months now. I have come up disappointed with every draft because I couldn’t move past myself and make it an objective point of view. But my focus in honing in now and I think I finally know how to talk about these deeply personal and painful things without dragging the reader through the mud of my life. That doesn’t seem fun for them, so now I’m onto idk… the third or fourth draft of my story. Maybe I’ll like this draft better.
Understand for yourself.
You know the truth.
Think for yourself.