A couple days ago I started writing a blog I was going to call “An Unforeseen Future” but never had the time to finish it, nor could I find the words if I tried. I was tied up in anxiety, desperate to create or write something to soothe my emotions and give me hope.
This has been a tough month. Not just for me, but all my clients, family members, strangers on facebook, personal friends there seems to be this invisible force sweeping through lives, like a wrecking ball. Taking out security and stability, wiping out all those things we have built up to keep us safe. It’s been painful and scary. Destroying of foundations and structures and safety nets.
I can feel it personally in my own life. As I’ve grown, I think all my experiences began to build up certain emotional homes in my internal life. Examples of that would be like Riley’s internal life in the movie Inside Out. And now has come a time for me to grow. I have gone through catastrophic changes this last year, tearing down old homes and habits and closing the final chapter on old memories. I have been stripped bear of all the stuff I thought made me, me. It’s not been easy, its been absolutely debilitating at times. I still struggle with depression on a grand scale, something that makes me wonder if I will enter this valley of darkness regularly for the rest of my life. I guess what I have come to realize is walking through the darkness is still forward progress. As long as there is still forward movement. I’d like to insert a quote here from Philip K Dick’s short story “Stability” (Yes, he’s my favorite and I live and breathe by his genius)
“As you know,” he began, “Stability is the watchword. Civilization has been climbing for centuries, especially since the twenty-fifth century. It is a law of nature, however, that civilization must go forward or fall backward; it cannot stand still.”
– Phillip K Dick, Stability
I read this story encouragingly noting how this is the pendulum of life. Forward and back ward, never standing still. Good times to bad times, hard times to ease. However, what is there to say about traveling the path of least resistance. What can we do to ease the hard times and live more presently in the good? What path can we follow that ensures there is hope for our direction? That is the harder question to answer.
I don’t enjoy being aimless. I make goals and plan destinations. What I have learned this month is how to set a goal and let go of the in between. Put the destination in the GPS and let it get you there however it sees fit. Write a book without a plot and see what comes of it. But this is me, someone who wants to always knowing the ending of the story before I begin to read the book. I like knowing what comes of this journey. I want to know that I will not have worked hard at nothing. I like reward.
So, you sew your seeds. You set your intentions. You put your nose down and you work. This is all I can do to live. I don’t know what comes of anything. Following the path of my dreams, my path of least resistance, is to abandon the stability of biweekly paychecks, to get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and expose myself to opportunity. I don’t know if I could have ever gotten here with out this month of emotional demolition.
I had to rid myself of the petty unnecessary bullshit I used to think was so important and rebuild a person I am proud of. Self-acceptance being the name of the game. Who I am, is who I am, I’m unconcerned with anyone else’s opinion of that. I am a loud voice, even though I don’t look it. I am a strong mind, even though I hold back most of what I know. I am someone. I have a future. And I am hopeful despite the fact to what my life looks like currently. I have let go of the complicated and I will only focus on what is simple and full of loving ease. I will not over complicate my life with bullshit anymore (well I’m gonna try anyway).
There is one thing completely true to my life. Art.
God has wavered back in forth between real and imagined. Money has overflown my cup and I have literally scraped my barrel dry. People have encouraged and disappointed time and again. I have one constant in my life. My ability to create and this is what I have learned lately. I will always be creating.
What will I create you ask? Anything my heart desires. If I have the resources, I will do it. If I don’t have the time, I will create time. If I don’t have the will power, I will create something from no matter what emotional state I am in. Inspiration will be pursued at all costs. What ever must be set aside, will be put down. I am all I need now to be the person I want to be.
This next coming month, I hope to finally see myself emerge. I hope to see myself as focused, driven and headed somewhere. There is no longer time to waste. This is it for me. There is no going back.
(P.S. found a wonderful new journal calling to me from dead center of a shelf in Barnes and Noble. She named herself Gilda as soon as I picked her up and held her in my hands. She is navy blue, covered in gold flowers and each page is lined in gold. When I decided to look up the meaning of the name Gilda, I’ve come to find it means “golden”. If this means anything for the next season of my life, I will take it openly happily and ready for the golden age of my development.)