The moon has a huge influence on the things I experience every single day. I follow astrology and chart the phases of the moon, mostly out of boredom but it is quite interesting as well. I try to use that system of organizing my time to be more productive with my creativity. It works really well for me, when I am disciplined with it.
I keep getting in my own way, though. I keep stopping myself from doing the things I want to do for millions of reasons. I let my insecurities run the person I am, and I get so sad to watch myself feel so powerless and that leads me into the dungeon of depression. I am bipolar, with perfect discipline I am able to predict my moods and work with them accordingly. I am not perfectly disciplined, however. So while there might be a gust of mental energy behind wanting to complete a project, my emotional energy is typically tapped out. Sometimes I get great ideas to organize my garage in the the midst of my depression/low phase. The mental energy to clean is there, the emotional energy however is not. But catch me in a couple weeks when I’m hypomanic/in a high phase. I’ll have my garage perfectly organized with minimal effort. The emotional energy is behind the thing I want to do.
I have been stuck in a low phase for more than a month now. The month of July was so chaotic and so exhausting emotionally. There was so much stress in my life and I wasn’t helping myself as far as the pressure I put on myself to fix things I couldn’t control. I was completely drained by life, so it is no wonder I am depressed as I am. Depression is a vicious cycle though. There are times I know I need rest, but I am guilty of taking too much rest because I love comfort and security. I don’t want to move from my comfy places. That’s when I start to watch the hours tick by and I have not been productive. Depression Isn’t a terrible thing though. You can be sad and productive. Low phases are the perfect time to gain inspiration. When being in a low phase causes to me to have to lay down, when everything about life becomes boring and meaningless, all I am able to do is sit and watch nature do her thing. Depression/low phases are important for me as an artist because inspiration is everything! When I try to create without inspiration, I am just creating with ego thinking “I know what I’m doing/writing/painting.” I have always hated those pieces of work. The artists only thirst in life is to find flow. To step into our gifting and watch ourselves work without effort. This requires pushing the ego to the side, which is one of the hardest thing to do. There are some of us who actually do know what we are doing when we create. I like my stories to go deep. I like every character/scene/action to have a deeper meaning beyond that which you read. I like to get people to think about what I have written. So when my ego knows, my ego creates but my ego takes up so much space in my creating that I forget to leave room for magic. I forget to let go and let myself feely create.
I’m deeply insecure about what I write. I have so much written material that I haven’t published, because I haven’t finished it because I don’t like what I was able to create. Too much ego, not enough magic. I have wild ideas I cannot tap into because I think about how others will view me after they read my writings. I don’t have time for this anymore. I don’t have time to question. All I want to do is create. It’s time to let myself be who she was made to be. It’s time to stop questioning and start producing. I am beyond ready to finally let myself shine. I consider myself lucky to be who I am. I am a private person, I like my alone time, I enjoy creating more than anything in the world. I’m also vibrant, fun-loving, encouraging and supportive. Sure, there are insecurities that come with these two sides of myself, but that is less important to me. I don’t need to focus anymore on how afraid I can become. That will only create the fears I am trying to avoid. I’d much rather envision myself at my best. I wanna know what Rhea with her life together looks like. I want to see Rhea the creative powerhouse in action. I want to see disciplined, focused and driven Rhea again. I’ve seen her before and I like her a lot. I like her more than who I am now. I like her more than this ego that I have.
My problem and struggle always comes down to this. How can I maintain who I am in theses people-ships in my life. How can I be myself unapologetically and uncaring of what people think? How can I be me, always? I’m tired of being this other person when people are around. I’m tired of holding myself in, when I know for a fact I am explosive and charismatic. I know who the best of me is. Letting her shine is just what I need to keep these emotional vampires at bay.
I only get to be her when I am disciplined though. By taking on the burden of keeping my life in line, saying no to things that will distract me, and not allowing my attention to drift, I am rewarded with the pleasure of being myself and attracting good things towards me. I can see it all around me, I can almost reach out and take it.
This time of my life has been a great adventure. I have no idea how we are surviving everyday. Abandoning the familiar, traditional, everyday life is scary. There is no security here. There is no certainty in tomorrow. However, when I feel like the state is standing outside my door, ready to take the keys to my house and everything I own, ready to take my kids away for not having a job, or a plan, I just have to step outside into the sun and see that no one is truly there. My fears are all imagined, I only have to remember that. I know where I am going and this time of my life does not dictate my destiny.
My husband and I were able to secure another 3 months worth of money to pay our bills. So I have three months to create without the stress of working too hard or too desperately. I don’t have to worry about how the money will come in, I can only write and paint and do good work. I will use this three months to create and I won’t let my stress get in the way and I will not let people distract me.
Can I be disciplined, positive and hopeful for three months? Let’s see. I’m gonna try.
Thanks for reading.