I can’t say exactly how I know this, whether its a feeling or just the conscious decision to change, but my life is becoming something else. I feel it the effort I want to give the everyday things of my life. I feel it in my thoughts and what I am thinking about. I can feel myself turning my attention away from everything I used to be interested in and completely pointed in a new direction.
Maybe my age is just hitting me. I’m 27, three years before I turn 30. I look at who I am, what I’m creating and what direction I’m headed in. I’m not at all displeased, I have made myself proud to have come this far, but there is still a large part of my life and who I am that has yet to be transformed. Structures built on the opinions and advice of others. Decisions made by another’s suggestion. Deep within my self destructive nature is an important tool that I can use to transform myself and build my dreams. Self destruction, in its healthiest form, is the tool we need to be able to change. The willingness we have to destroy all our hard work, is the same willingness it takes to change ourselves into something better.
I want to be better. I’ve witnessed myself really stepping up in many areas of my life. I feel the effort I’m giving with each mundane task of my life. Really focusing on doing my best at all times. Staying busy, staying motivated, being productive. I want to make space in my life now for new things. I’m hoping all this internal and external organizing of the useful and useless will open me up to more energy to accomplish more things.
I’m the ambitious type. I want to get up, and do, and build and work. But the shadow side of that ambition lies impracticality and too often I take on way more than I can handle. I can easily overwhelm myself before I have even begun just by taking an idea all the way to the end. What if I took this all just a step at a time? Living my life hour by hour, minute by minute, each step taken with intention and direction? I think I might build something worth something and I might even enjoy it in the process. My creative mind is alive lately. New ideas, good ideas, but not just ideas. I can envision each step along the way. This has never happened before. I normally can envision the end product, but never have I been able to see all the steps I need to take to get there. This time, I want to take all those steps and see if I really can create something.
I’d need to be brave. I’d need to throw caution to the wind and commit to this. I would need to be disciplined in all areas of my life. Maybe that’s dramatic but I know myself. Without routine, structure and discipline I can’t maintain the focus I need to turn ideas into reality. That is a skill in and of itself. A muscle some creatives are born without and must acquire over time. I am one of those creatives, but that is why I have taken this time of my life so seriously. I want to do well and get somewhere.
I’d need to maintain a level of wholeness and happiness that I haven’t ever done before. I think happiness is simple to create in the every day things that I have to do. The annoying daily maintenances, exercising, stealing time to read, drinking tea, eating good food and preparing for the next day. These all make me happy, but there is something more I am missing to my happiness. Something deeper. I sense it my feelings of creation. I have been able to create a surface level happiness. A mediocre life with simple practices and stability, but deeper than that I want meaning. And I know something true about myself. Hard work and reward is what gives me meaning. So I need something to work hard on, to throw my mind and soul into. Something to nurture and grow and take care of. Not a baby! I am already growing two children. I need to grow an idea. I have lots of ideas but I need to know what will be worth it.
I’m lucky, I have drive and tenacity in my blood I can sink my teeth into something and hold on for a long time. I can get behind an idea and push and push and push, longer than many others. But I grow tired when the cause is inauthentic with who I am as a person. I have done this for so long in my life. Find a cause, an idea, or a business I want to get behind and work my ass off as if it were mine. But when it comes time for my soul to begin investing in these things, I can feel the resistance. These things are not true to me.
Lately, I have had these ideas that echo back into my early teen years, things I imagined myself doing when I was older. I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, what is the life you dream, can you live it. The meaning of my life I find in the connection I have made to the work I am doing. Sewing my soul into the seams of all my dreams, that is where I will find myself alive. I cannot sew my soul into this life now. And maybe that’s the reason I have such a hard time grounding myself and maintaining my presence. My soul cannot take roots in this life the way it is. I need to make some changes.
So I’m going through every facet of my life, my identity, my values, the way I communicate, my home and family, my pleasure, my health, my partnerships, my shadow, my philosophy, the person I represent myself as, my view of humanity and everything I hide away from the world, and I’m asking myself if there is more to life than what I see it as now.
Recently I heard the word soul-explorer and something in me clicked into place. I’m a deep person and I always will be. I consider this deep dive into myself to be my first major mission in my life as a writer. Exploring my own soul, making the great voyage deeper than I have ever been. I want to know what’s at the bottom of this. I need to know who I am in this life because I need to get to where I am going. Who Am I?