Today is the Full Moon, a chance to recharge under the light of the moon. A chance to renew focus and continue on pursuing creative goals. And I am ready. So far, I have been writing endlessly it seems while at home. Any chance I get to sit down, I try to have my pen and paper handy. Writing this way has helped me mow through a thick layer of detail I was building in my mind. I wanted to find the plot, the message, the meat of the story. I knew all the fancy stuff but what were the bones. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I feel the story in my chest but writing it out from beginning to end, cohesively, and still entertaining takes much more work than I anticipated. I began to get clouded with doubt, because I just could not nail down the structure of my story. I thought about this story every second of the day it seemed. In the shower, in the parking lot of my kids school, while I was doing my job. I just couldn’t stop thinking about this story and how to make it work. I stripped away at so many possibilities, I rewrote countless outlines and plots for what the story could be. I was finally coming to the bottom of this hole when I got stuck on what the meaning of this story was even supposed to be. No wonder I couldn’t tell it “right” I had no idea what it even meant. What was the point?
With the Sun in Scorpio, I personally have been riding that energy down into the depths of my soul, searching through the caves of trauma and looking for any hidden treasures during my deep plunge. This story has been the guiding vessel to tap into these pains I have been attempting to release. This whole story was structured around my life and the things I have gone through. It was cathartic at first, to take these pointless and painful things and mold them into something with more meaning and purpose. I was working through my pain with these characters and encapsulating important lessons I had learned over the last 4-10 years of my life.
This is so important and meaningful to me because I have such an obsessive mind. What ever sticks to me, stays with me and I struggle to let things go. I go over details of events sometimes as old as 10 years ago and I just keep rehearsing the emotional pain. I’m exhausted now of doing this. I don’t have the mental energy to remember so many terrible things. I have come to the cross road, in which I can no longer carry any baggage from the past, I must leave these moments and memories which shaped me behind and accept myself for whoever the hell I became. Who I am today is good and she is always changing. I don’t fault her for her past anymore. The only problem I have is that my obsessive mind likes the idea, but refuses to comply. It’s always going to think and it will keep thinking and it will go over details again and again and again… I’ve tried to control it, with meditation, with rituals, with exercise, but it seems my mind will always keep imagining these scenarios in a new light. Anything to keep holding onto what once was. To curb this, I now have a creative outlet to redirect my thinking. If I am going to obsess about the details, let it be the way in which I can most effectively communicate what it means to search for meaning. I want to obsess over the poetry of my stories and the structure they are laid out in. I want to know what its like to obsess about progress instead of regret.
This has opened up a new pathway for me mentally. Negative behaviors, or bad habits I cannot quit, I can simply redirect to something more positive. It’s not about the cold turkey stop, its a slow transition into the life I want to live. A steady integration of healthy habits. I have started to subtly adjust my routine and getting so much more done throughout the day. Anything that improves my creativity and makes me productive brings life to my body. I have been energized today, literally bouncing off the walls happy, getting so much done.
My thinking still isn’t the straightest, but this is something I accept as being me. Obsessive chaotic thinker, for now. I hope that with time I can calm down and think clearer, but for now I accept myself as the wild cannon I am. I channel it into all my art work and poetry as best I can. I am inspired by my flaws now. I’ve never looked at myself like this before. Like maybe there is something interesting here to all these things that make me so damn insecure.
I feel like opening my heart lately, emerging as a softer, gentler version of myself. Letting love be my vibe, more than individuality. This makes me nervous though because my brain still connects my softness with weakness. I see now, through personal experience this week, that the more love that can be brought into a hostile situation the more the past becomes unlocked and sets the angry person free. It’s not easy to humbly lay down and surrender in love to an angry loved one, but by doing so I feel as though I am offering a safe moment of release for potentially volatile emotions. I surrender to love and healing is the reward. I give someone the chance to express these things which hold them down by offering them the most love at their worst moment. It’s difficult, but dammit I think it just might change the world.
Keep on thinkin’.