This past month, working on my story, has been way way way harder than I even truly want to admit. At the beginning of the month I began planning the story in a various amount of different ways. I googled many outlines, I tried to write and rewrite for hours and hours about how the story was going to go and who the characters were. But for some reason all this plotting and planning was killing my creativity.
I was not stuck or blocked for writing, its just that all my ideas when they transferred from my brain to my hand sucked. They were all terrible. This is actually my second attempt at writing this story, I originally had gotten to 10,000 words before I decided to scrap it cause it was boring and uninspired. I had to come face to face with something writers know and readers don’t, just how much shitty work is behind a final draft. It was slightly disheartening and I soon began to lose hope in the message and imagery I had in my mind about this story. But thankfully, I was only going through the process. After a couple weeks of terrible rough drafts and stale outline the idea transformed into something entirely new for me. It’s as if all that time I was just collecting the pieces to the story but the actual story its self was told completely different. So mid-November, I finally began my first draft. I have been writing with what little time and inspiration I have and currently am at 5,300 words on my first draft. And I can honestly say I like the story and where it is headed. So I didn’t reach 50,000 words in a month, and I didn’t win NaNoWriMo, but I DID start something I am actually truly proud of.
I think there is a reason though, why I haven’t been able to really sink my claws into this project and get to work (like I tend to do). What my Main Character (MC) is experiencing is a stubborn unwillingness to be vulnerable, and not coincidentally I am going through the same thing with writing. I was unaware at just how vulnerable this story was going to require me to be. It’s asking me to write about things that touch such a deep and tender center of my heart that it makes me terrified for anyone to read. This story requires so much truth, and I don’t know if I am ready to be that honest yet.
I have to get comfortable with myself first before I can even write about these things I want to say. My beliefs and opinions and experiences that are so different than things I have read before. I have to be willing to have a loud voice, and I am an introvert. This is probably a struggle for most writers as so many of us are introverts who struggle to live in an extroverted world. I had to be ok being silent, and when I figured out how to do that I set myself free. I no longer cared if anyone saw me because I was able to admit to myself the truth that I really hated the attention anyway. Learning to love being a loner has been something I am personally very proud of. I have been this way for so long. I have spent so much time alone that I prefer most of my life to be this way. But on the other hand, I never learned to be comfortably vulnerable enough to bring the right people close to me. I have 2 friends, honestly, and one of them I married. These are the only people who know the real me. The people who I know I can tell absolutely anything.
With this New Moon I feel this need to really own what it is I am. I feel like a vast collection of tools and crafts. I think I have really good ideas that I can make into a real thing if I can focus all my attention on that. It feels like understanding the power I have over myself and laser focusing it in on what it is I want to make successful. But then there is the voice in the back of my head that tells me life cannot be all work and no play. I am guilty of being too serious about things. I am the type of person to commit my entire being to a cause and leave behind most of the world to find success in what ever I believe in. I am the type to isolate myself for too long and leave important people behind. I don’t like being this way, because I don’t like how it makes others feel, but at the same time, I love creating more than anything else. It is fulfilling and satisfying, rare feelings in the human experience and even more rare to have together. I guess all I am saying is I would like my life to stay pretty balanced, but this is Sagittarius season so all I feel is that focused energy behind whatever it is I believe in.
My intention this month is to become more comfortable being vulnerable, with myself and my trusted loved ones. My intention is to be comfortable with giving myself and others honesty. I want to be truer to how I feel every moment, and comfortable staying there despite how others feel around me. Unfortunately, for those who know me I feel things much deeper than anyone realizes and I don’t think I can pretend to be so normal anymore. With vulnerability I am sure I will find more freedom from fear. Being honest about my mental is what weakens its power over me. This is why therapy can be so helpful, because it is talking about the the things we feel inside. So I guess it’s time to get my Main Character to therapy, which coincidentally helps me! I guess there is a positive to being so crazy, maybe I’m becoming my own therapist.