I am a liar.
I have been lying about things for a long time. I don’t necessarily participate in outright lies of saying something has happened when it has not, but I am guilty of bending the truth. I am guilty of changing things, and leaving out key details to make a story fit a narrative already in my head.
I haven’t been able to write a blog in a long time, because I realized I was a liar. I had a persona, albeit I had no understanding of what this persona was that I was portraying, but it was something along the line of victim. I had a long list of resentments and I had justifications and reasonings as to why “they” were the bad guys and I was weak, lowly, and helpless to the fall out of another persons maltreatment of me in the past.
But I failed to mention how shitty I was in the present.
I had reasons to be this shitty. I had reasons to be mean to others and angry. I had reasons to lash out in hate. I HAD REASONS TO BE AN ASSHOLE. But maybe I am done with all that justification for my shitty behavior. Maybe I was done allowing myself to get away with stuff that was clearly harming others. Maybe I was ready to be honest.
And if I am honest, I hate myself.
I hate myself for being mean.
I hate myself for acting like the people I hate.
I hate myself for allowing others to dictate who I should be.
I hate myself for my ignorance and passivity.
I hate myself for every wrong thing I have ever said.
I hate myself for acting out of desperation.
I hate myself for being afraid…. of everything….
Is hating oneself wrong? I don’t think so. I am in control of myself and how deeply I feel these things and I am making space for myself right here to feel exactly what I feel. Hate. I don’t need to be saved, or fixed, or changed. I need to allow myself to be what I am.
I was pouring this hate into myself for a long time because I felt bad for feeling bad. I hide these feelings away deep inside of me and tried to spread the message of self-love, because I felt like I couldn’t benefit anyone by feeling this way. I thought denial would change me, but only honesty can truly set me free. My self hate lay in the shadow of my personality though, and that unconscious self-hate was revealed as hate for humanity. I looked outside to hate the obviously hate-able, instead of looking within me and asking where this hate even came from. I was hurting more people by being unaware of this hate than I am openly admitting how I feel now.
So here we go, into the depths of my soul. What shall I discover in whatever lies at the bottom. I am not lost, I am searching. I am dark but I have light.
“How can you being to truly love yourself? By exploring all the reasons you do not.”